Lucia di Glammermore

The attention-seeking Lucia wears her di Glammermore tartan with pride, and just a titch of morbidity. She likes cemeteries, believes in ghosts, and she has the wild eyes of someone with a past - someone you don’t want to piss off. One is never quite sure if that smear of red on her kilt is from her lipstick, or from something more sinister.

Ellen Whoreford

The wholesome-looking, white-cheeked Ellen Whoreford can keep any good student warm during his lessons. Don’t be fooled by Miss Whoreford’s schoolroom-appropriate wool-blend skirts or her demure twin sets. Those lace-up boots go all the way up, those glasses are non-prescription, and she’s got a collection of leather lingerie (climate-appropriate and shipped from the Continent, of course) large enough to rival her stock of hand-knitted sweaters.

Rosie Kavalier

Rocking the androgynous look, Rosie Kavalier can steal the spotlight wearing everything from well-tailored military jackets to the cutest maid outfit you ever did see. She’s got a soft (?) spot for older lovers, but she’s fairly - cavalier - about her love life, preferring to take it day by day. You’ll never catch her out on the town without her signature accessory: a silver rose lavalier.

Friskeeta

Spain’s spunkiest little gypsy girl, Friskeeta can usually be found reading the palms of hot bullfighters, and polishing her castanets. A starf*cker of sorts, she’s a last-call fixture in Seville’s sexiest dive bars, and she can show even the whitest of foreigners how to move their hips.

Phaphner the Drag Queen

You heard right: Paphner, the big, beautiful woman with piercing green eyes, is The Drag Queen. She’s usually seen donning a verdant shade of snakeskin, and her rich, low voice puts all those lip-syncing queens to shame. A word of advice: don’t piss her off, and if she’s sleeping, don’t wake her.

Clitemnestra

This literal queen will make you gag, and you best-better-believe she runs the show here. A bit on the bitter side after her husband tricked her into sacrificing their beautiful daughter Iffy-Gina, she still knows how to treat a man right - right enough that he’ll avenge anytime her honour feels slighted. A small drinking problem follows this majestic creature since the loss of her daughter, but as Mrs. Kasha Davis says. “There’s always time for a cocktail.”

Dildo Andanus

This Carthaginian queen has a lot of kinks and twists. Firstly, she lives alone on a deserted island where she can let all her wildest fantasies run free. She keeps two young ladies nearby to answer her every beck-and-call, and once in a while an errant, drunk sailor might find his way into her group’s company for a night of dancing and frolicking. A bit on the melodramatic side, it’s well known to keep her away from open sources of flame.

The Cuntess All-Men-Viva

After years of being played by her husband, this Spanish firecracker has some tricks up her own sleeve - and in her bed. With a particular penchant for gender-fluid and military types, her surname is a perfect description of how she operates in the boudoir. From humble roots, this folk music-lover is always ready for some hot role-play and is excellent at making men eat… from the palm of her hand.

Cumstanza

Years of traveling the world have led this coy, hard-to-catch, gem of a lady to be a bit jaded by the world. Pirates? Been there, done that. Kidnapping? yawn. Her beauty and zest for life, not to mention her heavily stamped passport, often find her in a position where she has to fend off the slut-shamers of today’s nasty internet world from the comfort of her iMac and her vintage, brocade, oversized ottoman.

Louise the ASM

For years she’s been the magic maker behind the scenes, but after over a decade of seeing the world’s best prima donnas trot across the stage, this hyper-acutely-aware Virgo loves to shed her head-to-toe blacks and dress up in Violetta and Gilda’s gowns after the curtain comes down and while she’s doing the show laundry. Never without her trusty stopwatch, collection of Sharpies and spike tape, and her travel mug of “tea” - you never see her, but you always know she’s there.

In case you needed more…